March 2016: I discovered I was pregnant. It was not long at all after, that I began to explore my feelings (and insecurities) about parenting. And by explore, I mean take a straight up nose dive into a black hole of mixed emotions, mainly led by my fears of inevitably becoming the parent to my child that my parents were to me. Without fully knowing it, the process of coming to terms with the fact that I was becoming a mother was the very beginning of my entry into a quintessential learning environment: parenting.

While I was beyond grateful to carry a little life inside of me, I simultaneously found myself in a furious panic over slipping into who I did not want to become, without knowing who I could possibly be. Now that I am in the throes of parenting my child, I find I am reflecting on the fact that learning takes place not only during every moment that I parent, but that I was also constantly absorbing information about how to parent when I was just a child.  

Had it not been for my psychiatrist, my diagnosis, my postpartum plan, group therapy, couples therapy, and medication – I’m not sure I would have had the opportunity to reflect on this theme in the constructive way that I recently have.

Do I spend every moment of parenting totally consumed by my anxieties? No. But the theme of parenting my own child through the complexity of reflecting on a childhood that included elements of trauma, neglect and violence is at the core of my current parenting experience. And I do often think about how my (at times) painful childhood seeps into my relationship with motherhood.

I had the opportunity to chat with a small focus group of women, who like me were carefully balancing their roles as mothers to their children while remaining the children of their parents. It became very clear that one of the most familiar themes that we could each relate to was the idea that there is a constant internal struggle between how we want to parent, and the ways we know how to parent (that have been passed down to us by those who raised us). The consensus within our group was that learning how to parent is a constant process where we gather information as we go, we test it out, and we make both heartbreaking mistakes and inspiring discoveries. The (hurt, scared, confused) kids inside us influence how we now approach parenting. And how we have come to value our roles as mothers.

“I recognize very much that I don’t have the language. . . I’m learning pretty much on the job. I was never equipped with the skills to parent. And parenting for me opened every insecurity, like it brings everything to the surface for me, all the issues I’ve never dealt with are here facing me. . . I feel like I’m not equipped and I feel like everyone is a better parent than me.” The honesty of this particular sentiment that was shared in the group by Lydia M. was met with comforting nods all around. The collective feeling of insecurity and uncertainty that we chose to push through every single day in order to provide a safer childhood experience for our young ones was a major theme that connected us.

And this makes me think about what is next for us, for our children, for our children’s children. With the journey guided by the empowering idea of rewriting what it means to be a parent, how do I step out from the crushing, overwhelming pressure of it all? Well, I think we just do it. We just step it up. And as one mother in our focus group put it: “I always remember that I’m parenting.” Remembering that our kids are constantly absorbing every morsel of energy we present to them, just as we did with our parents however many years ago. Being present and reflecting on our past experiences and giving space for compassion and healing to take place regarding our childhoods and our relationships with our parents can lead to a sense of freedom from the doubt, the hurt, and the uncertainty that creeps into our parenting minds.

Interpersonal Neurobiologist Dr. Dan Siegel writes in his book, Parenting from the Inside Out, “Having a history of trauma or loss does not by itself predispose you to having a child with disorganization. It is the lack of resolution that is the essential risk factor. It’s never too late to move forward making sense of your experiences and healing your past. Not only you but also your child will benefit.” The sentiment that Dr. Siegel describes really strikes me in the sense that resolution and self reflection on our pasts is an integral part of the process of learning an alternative approach to parenting. While I feel empowered (and yes, at times totally overwhelmed) as I learn to rewrite my own version of parenthood, I am motivated to make sense of my past in order to provide my little one with a childhood that is freer of violence and neglect than my own.

How does your childhood experience of trauma, violence and neglect inform your role as a parent? What does rewriting what a parent can be look like to you? How do you make sense of your childhood experiences in relation to your parenting?

I am grateful for the inspiration that was sparked by the focus group for the purpose of this dispatch. The willingness of each participant to openly share their personal experiences of learning through childhood and parenting was invaluable to my work of exploring this theme.

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